dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
