You made me cry and you don't even care
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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