Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
