So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
