i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
