youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
