If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize