I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
