Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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