just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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