At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
