I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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