I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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