I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
