you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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