shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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