Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize