Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
