i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
