I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
