bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
