My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
