so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
