My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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