I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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