The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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