At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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