So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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