there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
