I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
