Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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