My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
