If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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