Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
