you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize