I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
