yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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