Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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