Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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