...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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