Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
