Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
