got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
