I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
