stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
