You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
