I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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