Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
