alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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