I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
