Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
