We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
