he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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