while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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