the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
